Burning on the Outside, Burning on the Inside
by TheDarkFlygon
Summary: [OS, Ep. 65 canon divergence, slight TachiOto] A beautiful landscape turns into a nightmare as the young boy gets his hopes of getting his darker secrets hidden from everyone else, and that's all thanks to an attack and some nightmares. Written for Fever February on Tumblr. [sickfic]


The landscape is beautiful. A crystal-clear lake reflecting surrounding luscious trees and splendid mountains whose submits are eternally snowy. Breath-taking. He doesn't feel like he's already been here, but strangely, it feels somewhat familiar anyway.

There is a calm breeze running through his dishevelled hair, gently blowing in his white t-shirt as he sits down in the grass. He could be here forever: a bit of alone time isn't too bad, he thinks, and that's weird because he's usually very happy to be with his friends, his classmates, his teammates… For once, he enjoys a kind of solitude he's not used to: beneficial time to himself. It's like he hasn't gotten the chance to think back on anything lately.

It's been a wild ride in a very short amount of time. It feels like yesterday he was the rookie of his school's soccer club, and that everyone was making clear he was a rookie. A talented rookie, but just a rookie. The only first-year of the entire team.

He never really explained why he wanted the goalkeeper position so badly. Sure, what had kicked off his decision was Endou of Raimon Eleven: a motivational character, a role model to follow. His smile, his warmth, his charisma… He was drawn to someone so good, of course. He had deep respect for the captain of the team who had won the Football Frontier after forty years of Teikoku dominance. How couldn't he? Nobody could deny Endou was a genius at being a captain. He knew how to motivate his teammates. That was one of his numerous talents, but the one which really struck him.

There wasn't only that. There wasn't only following in his idol's footsteps. He was an awful midfielder: horrible endurance, clumsy when handling a ball with his feet, also pretty bad at speed when he thinks about it. The team was at first shocked of such a sudden request for such a drastic change: it was just how things could only work out for him.

He loved soccer. He kept on wishing he was better at it, sure, and he was a goalie once because the three other keepers they had had somehow call come down with the flu. It was so much fun, he didn't want to surround the gloves. He would become a goalkeeper. No matter the cost. He didn't need to be good on his legs, or to be that good at teamplay to be good at keeping the goal.

Frankly, it was easier to say he really admired an amazing goalkeeper everyone thought was amazing than admitting the real reasons why he had to get it.

That was dirty on his part, sure. Eventually, they'll find out, right? He's never been able to keep secrets for very long. It's a surprise for him, to this day, that nobody has even guessed something was up with him at Raimon. The coach hasn't found out yet (or maybe she did, but she just slipped it by like she seemed to have let so much shady stuff slide by because victory is her objective and nothing else). The managers haven't found out yet. Endou hasn't found out yet. Tsunami hasn't found out yet (that one's really surprising, until he considers Tsunami is one amazing friend with one hell of an airhead for anything not sea-related).

A part of him, most of him feels like hiding that isn't fair to everyone else. It's selfish of him to do that. The team may ever consider themselves betrayed, would they find out about it. They better not, and they better not do that in the worst way possible he can think of.

He's naïve, he's young, he has a lot to learn from his temporary place as Raimon's goalkeeper. He's truly grateful he got to know everyone: they're all nice (except for Kogure), caring, determined and a very good team to be a part of. It's like he's been with them forever, when it's not been so long at all. The managers are very caring of them, thus why he's surprised none of them have landed a hand on the incriminating stuff yet.

He's grateful for them, he really is. He loves his friends and teammates at Yokato, but it almost feels like he's found a second family with the Raimon Eleven. He just feels a bit… left out, compared to the other players, like he's miles away from them and their talent. And he is: most of them are older than him, they have tremendous talent, they completely deserve their image as national legends of soccer. He's just… there. Somewhere in the picture.

He's a stain on the picture. A big, ugly stain. The water gets dirtier as he thinks so. What a coincidence… He's a stain because he's failed most of what he's tried to do. Does it take ages to master a hissatsu for anyone but him? _Mugen the Hand_ was difficult and took him way too long to master. The entire team had to defend for him! On the first match he was their goalkeeper! He wheezed at the balls! That wasn't how it was supposed to go!

The water of the lake is agitated now. This worries him: what happened to the beautiful water? Is it because of him? Everything was so calm before! The water is turning black, the grass is dying, so are the trees. What's happening?!

The sky turns red, and there are haunting reflections in the water. He sees the hollow faces of everyone who is supposed to trust him, staring at him with red sclerae, twisted smiles or deadly grim faces. Even Tsunami's face is making fun of him. Tears dwell up in his eyes, and he crashes to the ground, slamming the soil with his hands as everything around him turns black and gets on fire. The lake turns to coal. The trees turn to torches.

He's terrified, but he feels so bad for everyone, but he's even more terrified than he feels bad! He's gasping for air a second, the next he's… somewhere else entirely.

In a cold sweat, he jumps, screaming, only for his hands and head to hurt and force him back to lying. This isn't what he expected. Did he die? Is he alive? What happened? Why is his hand so scrambled with confusing shards of what just happened or didn't happen? All he sees is a white sky and even more white around him.

Next to him is someone familiar, who looks very startled yet upset at the same time. A girl with blue hair, blue eyes, red glasses… She's a manager. She's Otonashi, the first-year manager. Why is she here? Where are they even?

"You're up, huh…" she says, staring at him with a confused expression, before shaking her head and taking back a serious glance.

"Otonashi… Where are we…?"

"In the nurse's office. You scared everyone beyond their minds, Tachimukai!"

The sudden scold was way too early, and if his body somehow didn't feel like lead, he would probably have jumped again.

"W-what do you mean…?" is all he asks back, genuinely confused as to how he scared everybody. To be fair, he just woke up from a nightmare, and he doesn't have any idea as to when he even fell asleep.

"You fainted on the field, and nobody knew what was up! You started to choke on yourself for no reason, we were terrified!"

Her anger immediately turned to worry, or at least he thinks so? His vision's a little blurry. It's a bit hard to decrypt her emotions when his head confuses him.

"Why didn't you tell everyone you had _that_?! You could have been in serious danger!"

His throat knots. He never wanted to reply to that question, and he still doesn't want to.

"I… uh… I…"

It doesn't want to get out, and he doesn't want to cry either, so he's stuck there stuttering.

"I… just didn't want to worry anyone I guess…"

It's deeper than that, but that'll do for now.

"Well," Otonashi smiles sadly, "that's a bit of a mission failed, don't you think? You got everyone so worked up, I don't think they'll ever let it slide by."

She has her arms crossed, but she sits down, as if she was disappointed or resigned. She sighs.

"Since you seem to worry so much for us, the team's won against the Dark Emperors, and they're back to their normal selves. It's also thanks to you, Tachimukai, you know."

"It is…?"

He's both confused as to how he could have helped if he got an attack on the field, and glad because he did something good that helped people for once.

"Of course it is! You showed them again what friendship and determination could bring them to on their own, without the need for the meteorite. You were wonderful on the field."

He can remember that Kazemaru guy making fun of him for being a terrible keeper and smashing Dark Phoenixes in his face. He probably shouldn't say anything about that to someone who cares deeply for the original Raimon Eleven.

"I'm glad I did then…"

Otonashi seems to get her usual excitement back as she tells the story of the match again, focusing a bit on his own accomplishments. It helps him remember what got overwritten by the blackout in his mind. Her tone shifts progressively to sorrow.

"Say, Tachimukai… What makes you doubt yourself so badly?"

He blinks in surprise. He didn't think it was that obvious. Did he say something embarrassing too loudly when he was on the field?

"Why do you ask that…?"

"Because of some stuff you were saying in your sleep. You were speaking of feeling like a terrible player, a burden to the team and a 'stain'. What even makes you think you're a stain? You're an amazing keeper who does his job very well!"

"I'm too slow for the team… I don't think it was such a good idea to have me replace Endou, I'm sure he was still better than me after I had to leave…"

"Don't say that! This isn't a competition!" Otonashi suddenly gets upset. "This isn't about who's better, it's about you and your own worth! You're worth the very same as everybody else, and that means you're vital to the team! Like everyone, you worked hard and you got so much better than when we first met, so raise your head and go forward without thinking every two seconds about how you're a burden or some nonsense like that!"

Her face blanks out.

"Well… As physically possible when you're injured, I guess…"

Oh, right, his hands. He injured his hands. His right wrist is in some kind of splint, he doesn't have to look at it to remember how that feels like.

"Thing is, you don't have to be the best. You just have to be as good as you want or feel like you need to be. There's no competition to have inside your mind. Nobody saw you as nothing less than them, okay? You should have told us about your condition, but you don't need to hit yourself over it over and over again like I feel like you've done lately."

Her face softens into a smile.

"That's enough motivational speeches for today. You look pretty shaken from your nightmare, am I wrong? You need some calmness and TLC. That's all you need, I guarantee you. No training, no overworking yourself. None of these."

"Otonashi…?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you so much… I felt lonely until then, but you made me feel better…"

That seems to get a little blush out of her.

"I'm happy you're feeling better, then, whatever I did to make you so." She shakes her finger around. "But don't even think of getting up from that bed until you're allowed to!"

That gets a giggle out of him.

"I'll do that."


End file.
